Catching Air
by OrangeRamen96
Summary: A war has broken out between Sweden and the US. Cry is left all alone at home, as Pewdie joins the war and fights for his adoptive country. Cry plans on waiting at the house, saving himself for when his love comes home, but can his innocence last? Join the couple on this journey of heartbreak and drama, as we see how strong love truly is when it's tested. Warning: Hard Yaoi, Lemons
1. I Miss You

**This is your one and only warning through out this entire story: This story has hard lemons and a LOT of yaoi!  
****If you are sensitive to graphic sexual behavior, please don't read this story!  
****Ships are: PewdieCry, CryBuscus, and MarziPlier.  
****All disclaimers are found on my profile!**

The war changed everyone's lives. No one suspected Sweden to attack America. But they did, and they hit us multiple times in one day. Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Houston, Texas were hit with brute force. I, myself was lucky to have been visiting Wyoming with my family when we went to my cousin's wedding that day. A few other YouTubers survived. Pewdie, Marzia, Markiplier, Tobuscus, and Ray all lived. But the rest that we knew were dead. All my friends... they were gone. It was the same with everyone else. The pain was nearly unbearable, like the air had been yanked out of your lungs. I remember falling to my knees, screaming when I found out the news. Miami was gone. Just flat, radioactive nothingness. Everyone dealt with it differently. Marzia and Pewdie started growing farther apart than they were before it happened. Marzia had been putting so much pressure on Pewdie to propose, and the blonde felt cornered. They were still very close, but now they were like two siblings rather than lovers. Markiplier was in Cincinnati at the time for a funeral. His mother had passed away. Bob and Wade, just by chance, had gone to LA to surprise him the day the bombs hit. Mark fell into such a dark place after that, and I felt so bad for him. It hurt him immensely to lose his father, then his step-mother, who died two months before the bombs hit. Now he had to attend funerals for two more people on top of mourning for his birth mother. Thank god Pewdie and Marzia split up when they did, or else Mark wouldn't be here today. Marzia helped him through all the pain he was in at that time and they started dating. Tobuscus lost his parents, friends, girlfriend, dog, everything. He dealt with it differently than all of us did. He started having anger issues first, then that turned to heavy drinking and having multiple people - men and women - in his bed every night. He gave up. No one, not even me, could help him. He refused us all and pushed everyone away, using loud music, sex, and alcohol to do so. Ray was in Chicago the day it happened. He was filming a movie. About two years back, he finally got what he wanted: a job as a director. He moved to Chicago away from his girlfriend about five months before the war started. They were planning to see each other again the month after the bombs hit. After Ray heard the news, he left. No one knows what he did or where he went. We just know that he's gone. And me? I was crushed. Snake, Minx, Scott, Russ, and Red were all gone. All my best friends. Just like that. I turned to alcohol and pushing people away, like Toby did, but I didn't sleep with everyone or party all night. I just woke up, grabbed a bottle of whiskey, downed it, recorded a video, drank another bottle of alcohol, edited and posted a video, ate, stared at the TV blankly as I kept drinking, and passed out. Every single day was like that. And nothing changed. Well... that's actually a lie. There was a big change. I started dating Pewdie. After Marzia and him broke up, he was a mess, and I was his shoulder to cry on. I was actually everyone's shoulder to cry on. When Marzia couldn't cry to Mark, when it got to be too much for my mom, and when my little brother had nightmares, I was there. I was the shoulder, keeping an emotional mask on my face at all times as not to let anyone see my true feelings. But I broke. It didn't happen until the day Pewdie left to go fight the war. He was on America's side, of course, since he was registered as an American citizen. He was the one good thing. The one light in my dark tunnel. And he was leaving. From the time I heard the news to to time I waved him off at the station, my face was constantly neutral. After he left, I broke down. My light was gone. I sobbed into my pillows, drank heavily, and never got up to do anything besides recording and posting games. The only reason I even did that was to keep money coming that my mom could use as well as the money her and Nathan earned from their jobs. Nathan was now 17 and worked at a local fast food restaurant. Mom, though she had the spirit, was no Rosie Riveter. She babysat for the neighbors and did housework around the neighborhood. Every now and again Nathan would also help with building a shed or fixing a car. We lived well. We had everything that we wanted. We were together. And they were happy. So, I guess that brings us to now. I'm here, outside of a nightclub here in Sacramento. We all lived here now, deciding to be close together. I could already feel the music slightly buzzing through me. Toby texted me less than an hour ago to meet him here. At first, I refused, but then my boredom got the better of me as I went to the club. I walked in, immediately being hit with the smell of booze and sweat. I tried to walk around, but was slowly pulled into the crowd, and pressed up against multiple people at once. I felt everyone grinding against me, and hands rubbing down my chest. I pulled away from the group and miraculously made it to the bar. I sighed before I headed up and sat on a stool. Thank god I remembered my wallet that night. "I'll have 3 Fourth of July shots," I said, handing the bartender the money I owed and watched him make my drink. I swallowed each one, wincing only the first time. I sat there for another ten or so minutes before I felt someone's breathing on my neck and hands on my waist. "Glad you could come," I heard Toby's voice slur. I sighed. Of course he was drunk off his ass. I tightly gripped his hands and tried to force them off of me, when he latched on to my neck with his mouth and his hand grabbed my dick through my pants. I gasped and immediately put my hands on the counter. The bartender noticed and slipped a key to Toby. "Your regular room is open," he said in a gruff voice. Toby smirked, and pulled me off the barstool before he started leading down to the room that the key was to. I did the worst thing I could have possibly done just then. I followed him.


	2. Finding Comfort in All The Wrong Places

It was wrong. All of it. I knew this, yet I couldn't bring myself to stop. Two years I've been without sex. Two years I've been faithful and loyal. Two years ago, my love left to go fight in a war that I was told he might not come back from. So tonight, for the first time, I let go. I felt my skin burning at the touch of Toby's fingers trailing down it. My hands were clutched in his hair, my clothes were scattered around the room, and my bare back was facing Toby, as my chest rested on the black, silk comforter on his bed. I masterbate quite often. Now listen, this doesn't mean I do it all the time, but Pewdie sent me a disc about year and a half ago. I played it on my CD player as soon as I got it, thinking that it might be telling me he was coming back. My hopes were dashed, but I still did get a reward for listening to it. On that disc, he recorded his voice, his pants, and his groans while he was jacking off. He was talking to me, too, as he masterbated, telling me how much he wanted to fuck me. It was just what I needed at the time. Since then, I bought dildos, lube, and a couple new sets of bed linens. Because of that disc, I was already prepared. Toby seemed to like that, as he went bare into me. I gasped as I felt Toby inside of me. Oh god, it felt so good to be filled to the brink after having no sexual contact for such a long time. I felt the alcohol rush through me as I was panting, bent over the side of the bed, practically becoming Toby's whore. And I loved it. We soon both came and fell asleep. Only when I woke up in the morning, my head slightly pounding, did I realize the full mistake I had done. I shoved all my clothes on as quickly as possible and raced out of the bar. How could I? I betrayed my love's trust and spoiled myself. Dear god, I was such a slut! But... I couldn't deny, even with all the guilt weighing down on me, how much I liked it. It was such a rush, and I wanted more. So very badly. And that's why I went back the next night. And the next, and so forth and so on. I told my mom and Nathan that I was busy with other YouTubers that weren't so well known, or that were higher up on the ranking than I was. They were so happy to see me out of my room, and as time went on, I felt happier, too. What I had with Toby was by no means stable in any way, but that's what I wanted. I was so tired of waking up every day and doing the same thing. With Toby, I went out, I partied, I met new people, and I fell asleep every night with a satisfied grin on my face. You know that saying? What goes up must come down? Well, what went up with Toby and I was like a giant boulder, so when it came down, it came down hard. About three months after I started having sex with Toby, I got the call. The war was over. America had won. Pewdie was coming home. At first, I was ecstatic. Nothing could wipe the huge, face-splitting grin I wore. Until I looked at my desk. On it was a matchbook from the nightclub Toby stayed at. What was I going to do? If I don't tell Pewdie, I'll still have to stay screwing around with Toby. I promised him I would come back every night. Just like that, the grin was gone, and the happiness was replaced with dread. My phone started to ring. "Hello," I answered, not having looked at the name ID, just figuring it was one of the various people I met at the night club. "Cry! Did you hear? Oh, what am I saying, of course you heard, my love!" Pewdie nearly shouted. My jaw dropped for a few seconds, as I tried to think of an answer. "Yeah. Of course," I said, making my voice sound happy and lighthearted. He couldn't know. I couldn't tell him. Tears started building up in my eyes, blurring my vision. "I can't wait to come home!" I heard his grin through the phone. I was so excited to have him home as well, but... "The first thing I do when I get there is hug you. And never let go. I love you so much, Cry." I sniffed, so scared for what was to come, "I-I love you, too, Pewdie!" The tears fell, rolling down my cheeks, as I took a slow, deep breath, trying to prevent myself from sobbing. "Are you okay? What's happened? Is everyone alright over there? Cry?" Pewdie's voice suddenly dropped as his serious tone took over. I took another deep, slow breath, before I spoke. "Y-yeah. I'm just..." my voice quivered, and broke. I cleared my throat, before trying again, "I'm just so excited to see you." "I am, too. I love you, Cry. I love you so much. I know it's been hard, but, I want to thank you for waiting for me. For not leaving me and being faithful. You're the most amazing boyfriend in the world," Pewdie said. I nearly lost it. It look everything I had to carry on the conversation until we said our goodbyes. After that, I broke down into my pillow. I ended up crying myself to sleep, and had a short, but much needed nap. When I woke up, I immediately got dressed and headed to the night club. I found Toby sitting at the bar and declined his offer to buy me a drink. We went into his room, and before he even had the chance to open his mouth, I spoke, "We can't do this anymore. It was fun while it lasted, but... no more." I said it sternly, and expected a furious or even dejected Toby. Instead, I looked up to see him smiling. "Yeah, I know. I heard the news. Pewds is coming back to the good ol' land of the free," Toby said, before chuckling, "and you're right. It was fun while it lasted. If you ever want to do it again, you know where to find me." I was shocked, but incredibly relived. "Toby," I said, in amazement. I rushed over to him before hugging him tightly. "You have no idea how thankful I am. Thank you so, so much." It was gonna be okay. It was all gonna be just fine. Well, at least I hoped it to be, but I wasn't quite thinking right when I went with Toby to the bar to have a few celebratory drinks, which turned into six shots rather quickly. So the next morning, I woke up in bed. Next to Toby. Again. 


	3. Don't Do This

Pewdie had been back for two weeks now. And I wanted nothing more than to die. I loved him, I really did, but I couldn't bring myself to abandon Toby. It was such an addiction; having unattached sex after getting drunk off your ass. Everytime Pewdie was busy with family or friends, I found some way to sneak over to the nightclub to get my daily dose of sex. Pewdie had tried the other night to make a move on me, and I was so terrified he'd see that I'd been getting laid by someone else. We were on the couch kissing, and Pewds' hand started moving up my thigh, under my shirt, and started feeling every piece of skin he could touch. I was enjoying it greatly until his other hand moved between my legs. Alarm shot through me, as I pulled away, giving him some lame ass excuse of wanting to just enjoy him being here for a while before we actually had sex. Recently, though, he's been distant. I haven't seen him all day, actually. The note he left on the table stated that he was over at Marzia's, visiting her and Mark. This wouldn't concern me if he hadn't done the same thing the day before. And the day before that. I curled up on the couch after I got home from being with Toby. I'm fucking everything up. I'm cheating on Pewds with Toby, clinging to Toby, and slowly pushing Pewdie out of my life. I'm ruining my life slowly. I hated when this apartment of ours was empty. It was a two bedroom, two bath apartment that we'd moved into for privacy reasons. Now that he was back, we were both working on YouTube full time again. I don't know how I didn't notice it, but apparently the door opened and shut, because I heard Pewdie's concerned voice as he walked over to me. "Cry? What's wrong?" He asked. I started crying harder at the genuine love and concern that was laced throughout his voice. Pewdie kneeled on the floor by the couch and cupped my face. Without saying a word, I gripped the sides of his head and kissed him. He tasted like Italian food and wine, which wasn't surprising, considering that that's what Mazia usually made for dinner. I kept my mouth glued to his as I used my tongue to explore his cavernous mouth. I let him do the same to me when I finished. After we pulled away, our breathing was slightly heavier. I wiped away the tear tracks on my cheeks and looked him in the eye, before saying, "Let's do it. I want you." His eyes widened a bit after a few seconds, when he realized what I'd said. His face suddenly held a look of concern as he opened his mouth to say something, but I interrupted him. "It's okay. I'm ready. I want you... if you want me, that is," I looked at the floor as I said the last part. The thought didn't even cross my mind until I had said it. What if that's why he'd been ignoring me and looked concerned? Pewds took my chin in his hand and lifted it up, "Of course I do, Cry. Let's go make love." His smile looked so comforting, that I felt as if I could melt in it. He carefully walked me to our bedroom and I sat on the bed, before scooting back as he crawled over to me and started kissing me again. His lips trailed down to my neck and I started breathing harder as I felt my manhood start to get excited. I helped take off my shirt, as his mouth trailed down my chest, towards my jeans. By that time, I was nearly fully hard, and my eyes were half-lidded. Foreplay was always my favorite part. Eventually, my pants were taken off, and I was finally down to my boxers. He took off all his clothes before crawling over me, with a bottle of lube in his hand. As he opened it, I stopped him. "Here," I said, motioning for the bottle, "I'll do it." He nodded and gave it to me. I made sure to put on a show of stretching myself, though I hardly needed it. I could see him slowly moving his hand up and down his shaft, as he got fully hard. I was very grateful to myself just then for making Toby wear condoms recently when we had sex, so that my ass would be cum-free. I crawled over to him, before laying him on his back, and then sliding down his cock. After I got to about the middle I slammed myself down the rest of the way, and for a few seconds, felt like I couldn't catch my breath as I gasped in a few times. He let out a string of curses in Swedish, as he got used to the feel of my walls. I slid up and down a few times, before he took over. He was gentle, but still went at a good pace. Before long, the room was filled with my moans, his pants, and the sound of our skin slapping together. Not long after that, we both came, as he slid out of me, and we both caught our breath. "Shower time," I grinned over to him as he groaned. I knew he was tired, but I hated going to sleep just to have dried cum on the insides of my thighs. We both got up and showered before heading to bed for a night of cuddling. The next morning, I woke up before him, and as I stood up I felt refreshed and, well, happy. I threw on some fresh clothes and took one of his shirts, just because they smell so much like him. I then went to the kitchen and started cooking. About twenty minutes later, he came out, dressed and hungry. I set a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich in front of him, accompanied by a cup of coffee. I retrieved my own breakfast before turning on the news, since we were on the couch in the living room. After we finished eating, he mentioned a carnival that was going on today. I decided that, since I have nothing better to do, we should go. We left shortly after we grabbed our wallets and phones. The drive was short, but, for some reason, Pewdie looked really tense. When I asked him, he merely blew it off as excitement for the carnival. Eventually, I stopped asking. After we arrived, paid for all-day passes, and went on a few rides, Pewdie pointed out one in particular to me. It was a love boat ride with a small bridge. I smiled at the cheesiness of it, and agreed. I wish now that I hadn't. We got on one of the swan-shaped boats and started floating down the water, holding hands. I noticed that he was more tense now than he had been all day. Suddenly, I saw him kneel to the ground, smiling. No, please no. He pulled out the box, and my heart dropped. "Cry. I love you. I have for so long. You're everything I've ever wanted. Will you marry me?" Pewdie had asked the question, and I felt the hot tears roll down my cheeks, as the words came out of my mouth nearly without me realizing it. Pewdie's eyes widened at my answer as the tears started coming faster. Oh god. What had I just done? 


	4. Please Don't Leave Me

"Yes, I will," I said, staring with wide eyes. Pewdie's eyes widened at my answer as the tears started falling faster. Oh god. What had I just done? I felt like jumping out of the boat and drowning. The only thing that stopped me was the huge grin on Pewdie's face and the joy that was practically shining from his eyes, as he slid the ring onto my finger. The ring wasn't extremely feminine, nor was it really masculine. It was stunning, though. I heard the cheers from all around us as the boat docked, and plenty of people congratulated us as we started leaving the carnival since it was almost time for dinner. We went to a rather well-known restaurant that Pewdie had a reservation at. It wasn't extremely upper class, though, so I was able to get away with my jeans and t-shirt. We ate and talked over various wedding plans. I wanted to have an outdoor wedding, and he gladly agreed. We decided to have it in Sacramento, since we were all there, anyways. By the end of the dinner, my fears had been completely washed away, and I felt the excitement going through me. I was getting married! A few weeks passed after Pewds had proposed, and we had agreed to tell everyone. After we made a video on YouTube about it, and informed all our friends, Mark decided to take Pewdie out with a few of their new friends for a bachelor's party. Marzia and I stayed at the apartment, making wedding plans. There were so many themes to choose from, locations to look at, and so many foods to try. We decided to start with picking a theme and go from there. Pewdie's POV Markiplier took me to a night club not too far from Cry's house. We walked in and I almost gagged at the strong smell that hit me. We decided to hit the bar first, and wait for our friends to show up. I had a few beers, trying to take it light, so that I didn't get too hammered too fast. Soon, people we knew started to show. They were small time YouTubers who we'd met that lived around the US. Matthew, Jake, Josh, Logan, and Evan were all there within the first hour. We all talked and danced for a few hours. I felt someone pull me against them and yank me away from the crowd. I was quickly led into a room with a black bed in the corner. I turned and was surprised to be facing none other than Tobuscus. He grinned widely, before speaking. "Are you here to get some, too?" He asked. I shot him a confused look, so he carried on. "I mean, not that I'm too tired of Cry; he makes the cutest little mewls when I fuck him, but I'd gladly take you on for a spin as well." My eyes widened. What? What did he just say? Immediately, I reacted with anger. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, TURNER?!" I roared. He would never do that! Toby smirked, though, as he handed me his phone, and my knees gave out from beneath me. No. On the phone, there were multiple pictures of Cry in bed, having sex with Toby. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like my heart had dropped into my stomach. To make matters worse, there was even a video showing Cry riding Toby, panting and moaning out about how much he loved the man's cock. Toby took his phone back, which was a smart move, because I was seconds away from breaking it to pieces. I slowly rose up to my feet, turned, and started walking through the door. I felt numb and empty. Toby chuckled from behind me before he tried to stop me from leaving. "Leaving already? What's wrong? Did Cry not tell you? What a shame. I thought I was more important than that, I mean, he came here almost every day for the first two weeks you were here," If it was at all possible, my heart dropped even further, as it felt like my stomach was going to burst from the weight of it. "Although a few weeks ago, he suddenly stopped. Did you two finally fuck or what?" I thought back. That was around the time that we first had sex. I suddenly realized. I didn't mean anything to him. As soon as Cry found another person to fuck, he dumped the last guy whose dick was up his ass and moved on. I was just another fucking pawn. I took a vase that was by Toby's bed and thew it on the floor, watching it shatter, as I walked out the door, slamming the door as hard as I could. I left the club, hearing Mark call my name as I drove off. At first, I started going to my apartment, but then I thought better of it, as I didn't want to see Cry's face ever again. How could I have been so blind? I revved my car and sped off into the night. Cry's POV Markiplier ran into the apartment, making both Marzia and myself jump. "Is Pewds here? He just suddenly up and left the club we'd gone to and I have no idea why!" Mark said. We both told him the the blonde wasn't at the apartment and he ran his hands through his hair as he walked off, saying something about going and finding him. "That's weird," Marzia said, I looked up at her, as she continued. "I wonder what was so bad at that night club that he up and left like that." Suddenly it clicked. The closest night club to the apartment was the one Toby was at. Oh god. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom before throwing up in the toilet. I was so scared that I could hardly think. I turned to Marzia, who looked worried, as cried into her shirt. Eventually I started calming down, and she made me tell her the story. I went through it, starting from the time that the bombs were launched to the day Pewds proposed to me. After I had finished, her eyes were wide, as she stared at me. I had tears constantly falling down my face, and I was using toilet paper to dry them, since we were still in the bathroom, on the floor. Marzia quickly straightened out her face before saying, "We're going to fix this, Cry. Don't worry." I smiled weakly at her, but the smile soon faded as the tears and sobs started up again. For the next few days, we heard nothing from Pewdie. Marzia gathered up some clothes and took me to her house. She wrote a note for Pewdie in case he returned that stated that I was at Marzia's house. I was so grateful to her. I expected her to shun me away, since she was so close to Pewdie and what I had done was so unforgivable, but she stuck by my side, making sure I ate and kept making videos. It had almost been a week when Marzia finally got a call from him. He was in Colorado in one of the vacation houses his parents owned. He said he was coming back, and Marzia told him that I was living with her and Markiplier right now. My heart felt crushed when I heard him tell her to make sure I didn't get too close to Markiplier, or else I would end up fucking him, too. She angrily shouted something in Italian to him and hung up the phone, before hugging me, since I had started crying again without even realizing it. I sighed and stopped crying before going into the guest room they had so kindly provided me with and going to sleep, hoping to never wake up. 


	5. Goodbye

Pewdie's POV Marzia was very protective of Cry; she always had been. They had been friends for nearly as long as I've known him. I sighed and fell back on the bed at our house. I was trying to fall asleep, but I couldn't. I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling, thinking of Cry. It wasn't until I felt water on my chin that I realized I was crying. Why was I crying for him? He was the one who cheated! I deserved better than him! That brown-haired, shy, loving, sexy- WAIT! No, he's a cheater. A whore. I shut my eyes tightly, before my mind wandered back to the war. I ran, trying to get away from the bullets whizzing past my head. I was in Gothenburg, Sweden. It was my hometown, but it looked nothing like how I remembered it. Blood was everywhere, and dead bodies were all around. I skidded behind an army vehicle, using it for protection against the onslaught. There were shouts all around me as my fellow soldiers were killed. It was a mistake to come here. I carefully opened the door of the Swedish infantry truck that I was behind. I may not be fighting for Sweden, but I knew how to operate their equipment. It miraculously had enough gas to be able to start it up and retreat back to the base to recover and get reinforcements. Out of the 3,000 men that went, only 749 survived, including myself. I was laying in bed, when I saw the picture of Cry on the table beside my bed. I started crying when I remembered how I might not see him again. I loved him so much, and I had promised him that no matter what, I would always love him. I was startled out of my thoughts when the front door slammed closed. I secretly hoped it was Cry, because all I wanted to do was hold him. I felt myself forgiving him without even realizing it. Marzia walked into the room, looking pissed, but the expression soon switched to that of concern when she saw the tears on my face. The brunette Italian walked over to me, before sitting down next to me and hugging me. I cried into her shoulder, feeling the regret of what I had done and said. How stupid was I to believe that I could just up and leave Cry? He was my light, my love, and my life. I looked up to Marzia, before saying, "I'm getting Cry back. He's coming back to me now. I'll bring him home and apologize to him. I'll do whatever it takes, I just- I-" I choked up, before taking in a big breath to calm myself. Marzia looked at me worriedly. "He told me he didn't want to see you just yet. Before I left, I went to check on him. Mark had to leave to go do a co-op game with a friend of his in San Francisco. We didn't want to leave the house, but he insisted on staying and not seeing you right now," she said, her sweet Italian accent laced throughout her words. I had lost mine from living in the US so long, but she clung to hers. It was good, though. It suited her. "No," I said standing and walking towards the door, "I don't care. I'm going to go see him." She tried multiple times to stop me, saying that Cry was extremely upset and was adamant about not coming to visit me. "I don't care. I'm leaving." I had made up my mind and she wasn't going to stop me. I took the door knob in my hand and closed my eyes, mentally preparing myself to see him. "STOP!" Marzia shouted. My eyes shot open in shock. She never yells. After taking in a deep breath and sighing, she continued, "You need to stop doing this to yourself. You're trying to catch air here, Pewdie. It's never gonna work. And even if it does, you're never gonna be able to catch it all. Just let it go." A tear slipped from my eyes, and I turned to her, feeling weighted down. "I can't. I can't let him go and just give up on our love." My voice shook throughout my words. Marzia walked towards me and placed a hand on my shoulder lightly. "I'm not asking you to give up. I love you both, very much. It would hurt me so much to see either of you get hurt because of rushing things. Cry is my best friend, and you are like a brother to me. Please don't do something that you only want to do for yourself. Think about him." My hand slipped from the knob, as I bit my lip, before nodding. Marzia and I had a cup of warm tea, while she and I talked and I was able to calm myself down. It was almost 4:30 when she left. I sat down and started watching TV. I suddenly had a horrible, sickening feeling, as I started shaking. Something very, very bad was happening. Cry's POV Marzia came in to tell me that she was visiting Pewdie. I mostly nodded until she started talking about me coming with her. I started breathing heavier as I panicked slightly. I couldn't see him again. I couldn't see him ever again after what I did. He hated me, and would never love me again. I looked up at Marzia with a hard gaze, "Marzia, no matter what happens, please do NOT let him come over here. I do not want him over here. I can not see him right now. Do NOT let him see me," I said, before realizing how upset I sounded. I took in a calming breath and sighed out, looking at the floor, "Please, Mar. I need you to do this." Tears dripped off the tip of my nose and my chin. "Please don't let him see me. Please." Marzia nodded and hugged me tightly, telling me that if there was anything I needed she would be here in a heartbeat when I texted or called her. I just nodded along and waved goodbye to her as she left. After she drove off, I tried to eat, to sleep, to watch TV, to do anything that didn't involve me thinking about Pewdie. It didn't work. My mind kept thinking about him no matter what I tried to do. I was able to occupy myself with recording a game. At the end of it, though, instead of the usual "More To Come" message, I put "Goodbye" when I was editing it. I uploaded it and went to the bathroom. I had been planning to do this ever since Pewdie found out about Toby and I, but I was never able to have the privacy. I took a bottle of Ambien with me to my room. In there, I had a bottle of water, and one by one I swallowed down each pill. I then dug to the bottom of the bag I had brought with me. Pewdie had plenty of guns at the apartment, and I knew he wouldn't notice if I took one. I closed my bedroom door, before sitting at my computer chair. I was, at first, only going to take the pills, but I was reminded of how they could pump my stomach. I didn't want to be saved, because one of two things would happen: Pewdie would still hate me and think of me as an attention whore, or he would feel guilty and do anything he could to apologize. I didn't want to be hated anymore by the one I loved. And we would be living a lie if he were only with me because of guilt. My phone buzzed. It was a text from Marzia, saying that she was leaving Pewdie's and would be here shortly. My stomach suddenly felt nervous and lurched. I was finally going to do it. I texted her back "I'm so sorry. This isn't your fault. It's all mine. I love you all. Goodbye." After it was sent, I put the gun into my mouth, feeling the pricks of tears in the corner of my eyes. He hates me. I know it. I can't do it anymore. I almost gagged at the taste of the metal barrel in my mouth. No more. I squeezed the trigger. Goodbye.

**There are two sequels; a good one and a bad one. The good sequel is called Respiration, while the bad one is Asphyxiation. They can both be found on my profile!**


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